I fail.#

I fail to reach the standard that I always strive to be. The worse news has come truth, that I am not qualified to be accepted as a member of the club that I wholeheartedly wanted to participate in. The feeling? I feel empty, like the whole skyscraper that I built for my future has already gone before I finished my foundation.

I don’t know, I am a controlling freak. I want to control everything, and when I mean everything, I REALLY MEAN IT. Every single bits of my life, every single actions, every single decisions that I made, there might be a great chance it has been planned out weeks before. So when the bad news came in, it just started to crumble everything else depend on it.

Not only fail in club, I fail at my own school journey. I feel like a loser sometime. I feel like I am not enough, all of my colleagues, there are so clever, they have already mastered their skills, yet I am here, lamenting over the fact that I am lamenting (quite irony isn’t it). Linear Algebra and Calculus are starting to become like weights putting on my shoulders. I really want to be good man. I really do. But I just can’t do that, I can’t figure out why other than because of my own weak self.

I feel anxious everytime. Not everytime, everywhere. The imposter syndrome hits hard. Everyone look up to me like I am some sort of hero figure, and to them I am a goal that they wanted to achieved some day.

“Oh, you wouldn’t want to, trust me”, I said that in my mind everytime. To be this cripple man who always thinking about life, about psychology. To be this person who can’t stop their head from thinking. And to be this person who always struggle to live. It’s hard man.

I stand up.#

fail, but I don’t fall

I allow myself to be down, to accept the fact that yes, I am not as great, not as brilliant like how I always thought I am. But I never allowed myself to quit, to stop trying. Not that a hard moment ruins an entire life, how dare I to be sorrow when the place that I am standing right now is a cumulative effort of my past self. My past self never stop trying, so why should I?

I make, I create, I make actions. I created a Notion Templates selling page Here’s a link if you want to check it out

I spend time with my family, with my loved one. I allow myself to take rest, even though it might affect the whole master plan I was setting up. It’s okay, I allow myself to fail, as long as I keep pushing, I know I would still won one day.

I have been reading books about Data Science regularly. “Python for Data Science” is a good book. My goal is to finish this book before the first semester of college gone. So far I have reach one-third of the book. It contains lots of valuable lessons and information that elsewhere couldn’t provide. McKinsey is just a goat man.

I also document my knowledge in my Obsidian Vault. I like to spend time customizing these tools a lots, so this is kind of my small hobbies.

All in all, I know that this might not be the part that I should write into the story, this is the part that I am proud to have, because if wasn’t for the stress I gone through, it wouldn’t create the strong self that I am right now.

I will keep trying. My goal is to become a Data Scientist. I will become a data scientist.